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Post by Josh on Dec 21, 2008 11:19:59 GMT -8
Hello ACF folk and friends, If you’re just simply starving for a church meeting stuck in your homes in the snow (yeah right!), welcome to the "Virtual Church Meeting". The good news is you can drop by super late and Rosemary won’t glare at you * You can sing off key really loud and no one will mind. You can even come in your p.j.s (oh, wait some of you already do that). Those of you as far away as Germany and Costa Rica can now sit back in the comfort of your own home and fellowship with us. Let's start by singing some Christmas carols. Anyone have a request they'd like to start with while Alex is tuning his bass? *whoops, now she's glaring at me
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Post by b on Dec 21, 2008 16:50:52 GMT -8
Anything by Primus. Anything spiritual, that is.
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Post by Josh on Dec 21, 2008 16:56:29 GMT -8
Brian, can you go in the cafe room and make some coffee for our guests? He's such a helpful guy Now that he's gone- quick- does anyone know any Primus Christmas carols???
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Post by b on Dec 21, 2008 17:06:16 GMT -8
I will bring in virtual pumpkin and gingerbread spiced lattes with extra whipped cream for everyone!
And man, that virtual chili and cornbread hits the spot!
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Post by Josh on Dec 21, 2008 17:15:59 GMT -8
Yeah, Michelle did a really great job on it. (Why is he eating during the service? What kind of place does he think this is? A zoo or a church?)
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Post by Josh on Dec 21, 2008 17:28:27 GMT -8
Can you all hear Alex? Man, turn the bass up. Ok, Ethan, lay it down son. Lay me down a beat.
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Post by meghan on Dec 21, 2008 20:01:27 GMT -8
you guys are wackos.
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Post by Josh on Dec 21, 2008 20:16:58 GMT -8
You're jealous. I know. It's alright to be honest.
And speaking of honesty, this is the part of the service where we open it up to anyone to say what's on their heart. Unscripted baring of souls. It always takes one person to get things started, so thanks for sharing Meghan. Who's next? Don't be shy.
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Post by christopher on Dec 21, 2008 21:22:09 GMT -8
I've put my virtual tithes and offerings in the virtual kitty. That should cover me for virtually the whole year.
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Post by Josh on Dec 21, 2008 21:39:38 GMT -8
Now let's open up our bibles to Matthew 6. Now, I'm going to paraphrase a bit here, picking up with verse 1:
"Be careful not to do your virtual acts of charity in front of virtually anyone"
Now I know this might be convicting to some in the audience, (Discreet aside to Mr. Crombie, hovering over the virtual offering box) but we like to keep it in your face around here at ACF.
With that "word" for you all, I'd like to hand it over to our guest preacher...
(the pulpit is up for grabs)
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Post by marcus on Dec 22, 2008 1:43:05 GMT -8
"Thank you for virtually inviting me to speak today, Josh. I had virtually prepared an exegetic sermon over Leviticus 15 (you'll all want to read that on your own anyway), but after some phenomenal and unexpected events today I find myself at a virtual loss for words, so I'm going to take this in a different direction.
"You may have previously noticed that I am virtually a supermodel, and one of the toughest challenges I face every day is in reconciling my virtual abundance of physical appeal with the lack of beauty bestowed upon others. How can I live with myself knowing that I have been given so much outward magnificence, while others have been given so little? And so I decided to do what virtually any gorgeous Christian would do - I set out to give it all away.
"Some of you know that virtually all of my allure comes from my ample head of hair. I tell you that not even Sampson in all his glory was adorned like me. But because of my convictions, I decided that God wanted something more, that I should be an example of kindness and sacrifice to you all. So every day for the past six years, I have been plucking six hairs from my head. I have carefully woven these hairs into a virtually perfect toupee, and on the way to church this morning, I dropped off my toupee to the one man I know who would need it most - Michael "Mic" Coles.
"As I stand before you now, it is obvious that virtually all of my beauty is gone, and with the amount of scalp showing I could not rate any higher than a 4 out of 10 on any credible scale of attractiveness. But Mic...to see Mic this morning was to see the charm of King David with Delilah's beauty. It was virtually overwhelming. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot.
"But Mic had too much humility to wield that amount of handsomeness and charm. So he set out to find the least of these, the virtual "last" who shall be first, to bestow the beautiful toupee upon that man. Mic did what virtually no other man could do - he gave up his hair so that another may virtually be lifted up. Friends, I tell you that I have not seen such selflessness since I saw my own hideous reflection in the mirror this morning. That is love.
"I'm certain you are all wondering who benefited from Mic's sacrifice. But this is where my sermon on sacrifice virtually ends, and must be finished by our next special guest speaker who is the only fitting person to tell the rest...ladies and gentlemen, please give an online welcome to Christopher!"
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Post by christopher on Dec 22, 2008 7:41:35 GMT -8
Thank you Marcus! Wow, this must be a divine appointment, because my topic for today was on the snare of physical beauty focusing on David's son Absolom as the biblical example. If you brought your virtual bibles today, please turn with me to 2 Samuel and google the word "Absolom" (since I'm virtually lost at the moment and stuck in traffic on the isuper highway). Here we have a dashing young man, (just like our previous speaker), blessed with handsomeness and stature with a head of locks not to be rivaled in all the tribe of Judah (we're talking shekels and shekels of healthy curls here). This man was a King's kid, the envy of all, and lacking nothing. But his blessing was also his undoing. Consumed by envy and greed, our fine young silver-spoon fed lad was caught up in a botched cous-de-tat against his father. As he fled on horseback from his pursuer, he would have gotten away had it not been for his beautiful hair getting caught in some low hanging limbs. Unfortunately, his father's head of secret security wasn't as forgiving and understanding as the king himself and Absolom met with the end of a spear and went down to Sheol. Isn't it ironic? That which God blesses us with is sometimes the very thing He uses to judge us with when we rebel. Now, we come to our virtual alter call. With heads bowed and eyes closed (please no peeking), if you have never before trusted in Jesus as your personal savior, and would like to secure your ticket to club paradise and escape the unquenchable fires of hell as sinners in the hands of an angry God, please raise your virtual hand and pray this prayer:
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Post by Josh on Dec 22, 2008 8:50:37 GMT -8
We virtually had almost one response to that altar call. Who says online sermons aren't effective at reaching lost and dying and worthless souls?
Well, I was going to wrap things up, but judging on the snowfall outside I'd say we're heading for a snowing in of Little House on the Prairie proportions.
So now we'll head into a little musical interlude.
Chris, get away from that kitty and pick up the other bongo- Ethan fell asleep on the rocking chair again!
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Post by rose on Dec 22, 2008 9:15:12 GMT -8
Nate...good to finally have you stop by... ...don't worry, you haven't missed much though...just Marcus pontificating again... ;D
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Post by robin on Dec 22, 2008 10:01:12 GMT -8
Did I miss something? Where is nate?
Robin
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Post by Josh on Dec 22, 2008 10:31:12 GMT -8
He's sitting on the couch. You can virtually see him, can't you???
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Post by b on Dec 22, 2008 10:36:42 GMT -8
Nate probably headed for a pew up in the virtual balcony, where he can see closeups of the speakers on the virtual jumbotron screens. What do people think of Pastor Josh's vestments?
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