Church Bulletin Announcements

matthew
New Member

Posts: 18

Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 6, 2009 14:54:43 GMT -8

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Post by matthew on Mar 6, 2009 14:54:43 GMT -8

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
--------- -----------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
[/b]

robin ADF Support Team Threadmaster Extraordinaire Posts: 1,080	Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 6, 2009 16:22:43 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by robin on Mar 6, 2009 16:22:43 GMT -8 "Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door." "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance." ;D
	Last Edit: Mar 6, 2009 16:23:53 GMT -8 by robin "All those evil doctrines about god that work misery and madness have their origin in the brains of the wise and prudent, not in the hearts of children." -George Macdonald

Josh Administrator Pastor, ACF Oh Oh Oh My God, my God, have you forsaken me Or is this grace disguised as adversity? Terry Taylor Posts: 9,888	Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 6, 2009 17:09:58 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Josh on Mar 6, 2009 17:09:58 GMT -8 Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. ;D ;D
	You’ve got your methods I’m done with trying to guess all your moves I’m going where you want me to go I’ve got nothing left to lose Now I don’t wanna suffer But that’s in fact the nature of the beast If you want to get to higher ground You got to get there on your knees Terry Taylor

Margot Threadmaster Posts: 533	Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 6, 2009 18:30:26 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Margot on Mar 6, 2009 18:30:26 GMT -8 ...Not a bulletin and not an announcement, but my latest favorite bumper sticker: "Body Piercing Saved My Life!" ....with a picture of a nail-pierced hand. ...am I the last one to see this?
	But as for me, the nearness of God is my good. Psalm 73:28

christopher ADF Support Team Threadmaster Rex ...and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God Posts: 1,394	Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 7, 2009 8:19:20 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by christopher on Mar 7, 2009 8:19:20 GMT -8 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. I think I've been to that church. Nothing like an insult with a smile. ;D
	"If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." John 8:31-32

dannyboy New Member Posts: 1	Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 20, 2009 15:17:44 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by dannyboy on Mar 20, 2009 15:17:44 GMT -8 I nominate ". . . bring a blanket and prepare to sin"

Josh Administrator Pastor, ACF Oh Oh Oh My God, my God, have you forsaken me Or is this grace disguised as adversity? Terry Taylor Posts: 9,888	Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 20, 2009 18:32:13 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Josh on Mar 20, 2009 18:32:13 GMT -8 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Sounds like an old ACC youth choir event
	Last Edit: Aug 28, 2009 14:46:36 GMT -8 by Josh You’ve got your methods I’m done with trying to guess all your moves I’m going where you want me to go I’ve got nothing left to lose Now I don’t wanna suffer But that’s in fact the nature of the beast If you want to get to higher ground You got to get there on your knees Terry Taylor

Josh Administrator Pastor, ACF Oh Oh Oh My God, my God, have you forsaken me Or is this grace disguised as adversity? Terry Taylor Posts: 9,888	Church Bulletin Announcements Mar 20, 2009 19:26:58 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Josh on Mar 20, 2009 19:26:58 GMT -8 If the rest of you don't know what I'm talking about, don't assume the worst, btw Some conservative churches in our denomination back in the day didn't take too kindly to us singing Amy Grant songs. Scandalous, I know
	Last Edit: Aug 28, 2009 14:47:23 GMT -8 by Josh You’ve got your methods I’m done with trying to guess all your moves I’m going where you want me to go I’ve got nothing left to lose Now I don’t wanna suffer But that’s in fact the nature of the beast If you want to get to higher ground You got to get there on your knees Terry Taylor

Josh Administrator Pastor, ACF Oh Oh Oh My God, my God, have you forsaken me Or is this grace disguised as adversity? Terry Taylor Posts: 9,888	Church Bulletin Announcements Aug 28, 2009 14:48:30 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Josh on Aug 28, 2009 14:48:30 GMT -8 davcal, I just re-read this and thought of you. I don't think you faced this challenge on the Western Tour as much, though?
	You’ve got your methods I’m done with trying to guess all your moves I’m going where you want me to go I’ve got nothing left to lose Now I don’t wanna suffer But that’s in fact the nature of the beast If you want to get to higher ground You got to get there on your knees Terry Taylor

davcal
New Member

Posts: 9

Church Bulletin Announcements Aug 28, 2009 16:20:30 GMT -8

Quote

Post by davcal on Aug 28, 2009 16:20:30 GMT -8

HILARIOUS!
I'm printing this for my wife. Very funny.

Josh,
I actually went toe-to-toe with some of these legalists after the western tour. Many good brothers came to my defense. It was tramatic at the time...but now it's vadder oonder da brokn bridgez.

Thanks.

krhagan19
Threadmaster

Posts: 509

Church Bulletin Announcements Aug 28, 2009 19:04:28 GMT -8

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Post by krhagan19 on Aug 28, 2009 19:04:28 GMT -8

I have found several of my own. This one gives the pastor a chance to do more than edify his congregation "Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study."
This one is for Churches that believe that Platypus's can also be redeemed in Christ "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."
What would the post modern church be without a good fart joke "A bean supper well be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow."
This one is my favorite so far " At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice."
This one is for you Brian, if the Churches finances are ever in trouble issue this new statement "The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"
Some Churches love the Children like Jesus did, others "36. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

Josh Administrator Pastor, ACF Oh Oh Oh My God, my God, have you forsaken me Or is this grace disguised as adversity? Terry Taylor Posts: 9,888	Church Bulletin Announcements Aug 29, 2009 19:30:16 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Josh on Aug 29, 2009 19:30:16 GMT -8 Hey- where do you attend church these days?
	You’ve got your methods I’m done with trying to guess all your moves I’m going where you want me to go I’ve got nothing left to lose Now I don’t wanna suffer But that’s in fact the nature of the beast If you want to get to higher ground You got to get there on your knees Terry Taylor

Josh Administrator Pastor, ACF Oh Oh Oh My God, my God, have you forsaken me Or is this grace disguised as adversity? Terry Taylor Posts: 9,888	Church Bulletin Announcements Aug 29, 2009 19:56:24 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Josh on Aug 29, 2009 19:56:24 GMT -8 ;D
	You’ve got your methods I’m done with trying to guess all your moves I’m going where you want me to go I’ve got nothing left to lose Now I don’t wanna suffer But that’s in fact the nature of the beast If you want to get to higher ground You got to get there on your knees Terry Taylor

krhagan19 Threadmaster Posts: 509	Church Bulletin Announcements Aug 29, 2009 22:59:01 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by krhagan19 on Aug 29, 2009 22:59:01 GMT -8 I attend Cross Pointe Church in Duluth! www.crosspointechurch.com/

Josh Administrator Pastor, ACF Oh Oh Oh My God, my God, have you forsaken me Or is this grace disguised as adversity? Terry Taylor Posts: 9,888	Church Bulletin Announcements Aug 30, 2009 7:46:22 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Josh on Aug 30, 2009 7:46:22 GMT -8 Sorry, kevin. didn't know you were posting at the same time. I was asking davcal where he goes to church.
	You’ve got your methods I’m done with trying to guess all your moves I’m going where you want me to go I’ve got nothing left to lose Now I don’t wanna suffer But that’s in fact the nature of the beast If you want to get to higher ground You got to get there on your knees Terry Taylor

robin
ADF Support Team

Threadmaster Extraordinaire

Posts: 1,080

Church Bulletin Announcements Nov 5, 2009 20:19:03 GMT -8

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Post by robin on Nov 5, 2009 20:19:03 GMT -8

I have a couple new ones.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

These were emailed to me by Laine's boss, along with most of the others already posted.

"All those evil doctrines about god that work misery and madness have their origin in the brains of the wise and prudent, not in the hearts of children."
-George Macdonald

ben Advanced Member Posts: 115	Church Bulletin Announcements Nov 6, 2009 16:41:43 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by ben on Nov 6, 2009 16:41:43 GMT -8 This old man can't stop laughing.

Post by matthew on Mar 6, 2009 14:54:43 GMT -8

Post by robin on Mar 6, 2009 16:22:43 GMT -8

Post by Josh on Mar 6, 2009 17:09:58 GMT -8

Post by Margot on Mar 6, 2009 18:30:26 GMT -8

Post by christopher on Mar 7, 2009 8:19:20 GMT -8

Post by dannyboy on Mar 20, 2009 15:17:44 GMT -8

Post by Josh on Mar 20, 2009 18:32:13 GMT -8

Post by Josh on Mar 20, 2009 19:26:58 GMT -8

Post by Josh on Aug 28, 2009 14:48:30 GMT -8

Post by davcal on Aug 28, 2009 16:20:30 GMT -8

Post by krhagan19 on Aug 28, 2009 19:04:28 GMT -8

Post by Josh on Aug 29, 2009 19:30:16 GMT -8

Post by Josh on Aug 29, 2009 19:56:24 GMT -8

Post by krhagan19 on Aug 29, 2009 22:59:01 GMT -8

Post by Josh on Aug 30, 2009 7:46:22 GMT -8

Post by robin on Nov 5, 2009 20:19:03 GMT -8

Post by ben on Nov 6, 2009 16:41:43 GMT -8

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