Post by Josh on Feb 15, 2009 17:08:28 GMT -8
So, I used to be a journal-writing maniac. Recently, I pulled ‘em out and took a trip down memory lane. I thought I’d share some stuff with you all. Maybe you’ve been a journaler at some point in your life and you don’t mind baring your soul a bit here too- feel free and throw some snippets in- humorous or serious.
As for me, I’m going to go with a month-by-month theme. Here are some “February Thoughts” from 1992-2001. Get ready for the teenage angst and 20-something “place in this world” musings!
February 3, 1992
It’s a good night. One of those times when you’re in the dark but you can see the light.
February 3, 1994
Christianity is intrinsically linked to vulnerability- leaving one’s comfort zone.
February 10, 1999
Sometimes the Gospel is hard to swallow. But, you know, so are all the alternatives. Heck, life is just plain hard to swallow. I am all too familiar with pat answers to the questions that linger, but there is always some degree of crushing unknown. But, the questions and answers are less important than the presence of God in our lives. God has not failed me yet, but I often fear the future and question His presence. I hear some testify to some kind of relationship with Him when all along they have rejected the Holy Creed, God’s Son, or His blood. There are only so many possibilities as to what that means. Either they are deceived, I am deceived, or we both are. The Brothers Karamazov encompasses so much of my feeling. I am both Alexei and Ivan- two mountains separated by an abyss; two extremes in thought. I don’t forsee an end to the struggle. All I have is a life to live to its fullest and sooner than I can imagine it will all be over and the questions will no longer matter. Mentally, no other position- atheist, deist, agnostic, Buddhist, Muslim, seems tenable to me. I see Christianity as the narrow road among all the others- the Different- and the one that evokes my heart- the fiber of my being- a longing for Christ to be real in my life. I believe I have known Him but it is often hard to see in retrospect. I pray for mercy and light if only for just one day at a time.
February 11, 2000
“And the place where they were meeting was shaken”
TNT lived up to it’s name last night. Jesus, thank You for Your Holy Spirit’s conviction and Your power of love. It was all a set-up. We were humbled last night with confession, tears, encouragement, and strengthening. Confession is a catalyst; it topples a set of dominoes, accomplishing things thought impossible, demolishing pretensions and the dark devices of the Enemy.
February 14, 2000
Yesterday Billy, our cat, was accidentally run over. I watched him tremble and die in my arms- the blood from his nose and mouth covered my hands. That rascal of a cat is gone- he had so much character. Yesterday was a day of mourning, a burial in the pouring rain, and a lot of questioning God on my part. I wrote a poem, “God of Sparrows Falling”, thinking of the only verse I could which remotely applied. Animals... a tricky subject theologically. But maybe just knowing God cares for every animal that falls is enough.
God did not leave us comfortless, however. After I wrote the poem, my mother mentioned to me that her bible study passage for the day was the
sparrow verse, not knowing about my poem! Of all the verses- it was just the one we all needed to hear. This was incredibly reassuring to my faith. Thank You, Lord, for being an ever-present help in time of trouble.
February 15, 1996
Learning has everything to do with relationships- bystanders can never hope to learn much.
February 20, 1992
Will anyone ever really understand me?
February 20, 2000
Racial barriers... Our group has always been white as all get out. And I’ve always felt that it is a shame that the Church in America is so often that way.
As a person I have never been purposefully racist, but I wonder why almost all my friends are white. I really desire to have friends of different races. Is it a wrong motive to desire that simply for the reason that I want to understand the fullness of God’s family? I want to gain insight from other cultures, to reverse the sins of our fathers. But I also know that people want to be loved for who they are as individuals, not simply to serve as a growing experience for someone else.
February 20, 2001
Today at school was very taxing- one of the most difficult so far this year. My middle-schoolers are so unpredictable- and their sense of fairness so warped. The minute you feel you are connecting with them, they lash out at you. It’s so easy to go all the way back to the start in one day. It is a spiritual battle, but Lord, I have so much trouble seeing it that way or feeling any power- only weakness. But it may be Your way after all- for them to see someone keep trying over and over regardless of their lashings out. Whenever I deal with them I learn a little more about how we must seem to You.
February 22, 1994
Damn all of my castles of security though I am near to hating You. I don’t know how to dream, Lord. I don’t know how to trust, Lord. I don’t know how to keep my heart soft as I thought I did.
February 23, 1998
My life has been 2/3 knowledge and 1/3 experience and it needs a reversal.
February 23, 1999
I want my life to be rich with ideas, art, and beauty- the simple as well as the complex. To appreciate a mountain stream and a poem by John Donne, the Wallowas in mid-summer, and Dostoevsky in dreary December, a cup of coffee and the writings of Paul. And the loving prayers of Rosemary.
February 23, 1998
I hope someday to come through the mist [of doubt] once for all to slay other less foundation-shattering dragons.
February 28, 2001
Last nights dreams were “without God in the world”. On the way to work I felt so spiritually bankrupt, unable to face the day ahead. And I longed to hear from God but doubted turning to his Word. I cried out to Him that I was afraid reading His word would only cause me to be more unstable- to doubt more. So I got in the car and told Him that I would trust Him and prepare my mind to really listen to His word and suspend my disbelief. I brought a Scourby tape popped it into the tape player, and it began halfway through John 8:37:
“My word hath no place in you. I speak that which I have seen with my Father: and ye do that which ye have seen with your father”
Floored. Completely floored.
As for me, I’m going to go with a month-by-month theme. Here are some “February Thoughts” from 1992-2001. Get ready for the teenage angst and 20-something “place in this world” musings!
February 3, 1992
It’s a good night. One of those times when you’re in the dark but you can see the light.
February 3, 1994
Christianity is intrinsically linked to vulnerability- leaving one’s comfort zone.
February 10, 1999
Sometimes the Gospel is hard to swallow. But, you know, so are all the alternatives. Heck, life is just plain hard to swallow. I am all too familiar with pat answers to the questions that linger, but there is always some degree of crushing unknown. But, the questions and answers are less important than the presence of God in our lives. God has not failed me yet, but I often fear the future and question His presence. I hear some testify to some kind of relationship with Him when all along they have rejected the Holy Creed, God’s Son, or His blood. There are only so many possibilities as to what that means. Either they are deceived, I am deceived, or we both are. The Brothers Karamazov encompasses so much of my feeling. I am both Alexei and Ivan- two mountains separated by an abyss; two extremes in thought. I don’t forsee an end to the struggle. All I have is a life to live to its fullest and sooner than I can imagine it will all be over and the questions will no longer matter. Mentally, no other position- atheist, deist, agnostic, Buddhist, Muslim, seems tenable to me. I see Christianity as the narrow road among all the others- the Different- and the one that evokes my heart- the fiber of my being- a longing for Christ to be real in my life. I believe I have known Him but it is often hard to see in retrospect. I pray for mercy and light if only for just one day at a time.
February 11, 2000
“And the place where they were meeting was shaken”
TNT lived up to it’s name last night. Jesus, thank You for Your Holy Spirit’s conviction and Your power of love. It was all a set-up. We were humbled last night with confession, tears, encouragement, and strengthening. Confession is a catalyst; it topples a set of dominoes, accomplishing things thought impossible, demolishing pretensions and the dark devices of the Enemy.
February 14, 2000
Yesterday Billy, our cat, was accidentally run over. I watched him tremble and die in my arms- the blood from his nose and mouth covered my hands. That rascal of a cat is gone- he had so much character. Yesterday was a day of mourning, a burial in the pouring rain, and a lot of questioning God on my part. I wrote a poem, “God of Sparrows Falling”, thinking of the only verse I could which remotely applied. Animals... a tricky subject theologically. But maybe just knowing God cares for every animal that falls is enough.
God did not leave us comfortless, however. After I wrote the poem, my mother mentioned to me that her bible study passage for the day was the
sparrow verse, not knowing about my poem! Of all the verses- it was just the one we all needed to hear. This was incredibly reassuring to my faith. Thank You, Lord, for being an ever-present help in time of trouble.
February 15, 1996
Learning has everything to do with relationships- bystanders can never hope to learn much.
February 20, 1992
Will anyone ever really understand me?
February 20, 2000
Racial barriers... Our group has always been white as all get out. And I’ve always felt that it is a shame that the Church in America is so often that way.
As a person I have never been purposefully racist, but I wonder why almost all my friends are white. I really desire to have friends of different races. Is it a wrong motive to desire that simply for the reason that I want to understand the fullness of God’s family? I want to gain insight from other cultures, to reverse the sins of our fathers. But I also know that people want to be loved for who they are as individuals, not simply to serve as a growing experience for someone else.
February 20, 2001
Today at school was very taxing- one of the most difficult so far this year. My middle-schoolers are so unpredictable- and their sense of fairness so warped. The minute you feel you are connecting with them, they lash out at you. It’s so easy to go all the way back to the start in one day. It is a spiritual battle, but Lord, I have so much trouble seeing it that way or feeling any power- only weakness. But it may be Your way after all- for them to see someone keep trying over and over regardless of their lashings out. Whenever I deal with them I learn a little more about how we must seem to You.
February 22, 1994
Damn all of my castles of security though I am near to hating You. I don’t know how to dream, Lord. I don’t know how to trust, Lord. I don’t know how to keep my heart soft as I thought I did.
February 23, 1998
My life has been 2/3 knowledge and 1/3 experience and it needs a reversal.
February 23, 1999
I want my life to be rich with ideas, art, and beauty- the simple as well as the complex. To appreciate a mountain stream and a poem by John Donne, the Wallowas in mid-summer, and Dostoevsky in dreary December, a cup of coffee and the writings of Paul. And the loving prayers of Rosemary.
February 23, 1998
I hope someday to come through the mist [of doubt] once for all to slay other less foundation-shattering dragons.
February 28, 2001
Last nights dreams were “without God in the world”. On the way to work I felt so spiritually bankrupt, unable to face the day ahead. And I longed to hear from God but doubted turning to his Word. I cried out to Him that I was afraid reading His word would only cause me to be more unstable- to doubt more. So I got in the car and told Him that I would trust Him and prepare my mind to really listen to His word and suspend my disbelief. I brought a Scourby tape popped it into the tape player, and it began halfway through John 8:37:
“My word hath no place in you. I speak that which I have seen with my Father: and ye do that which ye have seen with your father”
Floored. Completely floored.
........
. 
